Well I blogged last night that I would't get a chance to play today as I was pretty busy, but I ended up getting in a short 90-minute session tonight and made a little over a buyin.  It kinda sucks because I don't want to leave the great tables I am on, and probably should't, but I feel like I am playing my "B" game, which is slowly slipping into my "C" game cuz I am pretty tired, so it is probably for the best anyways. In all honesty I don't mind locking up yet another small win as they are really building my confidence back and letting me get back in the groove of playing winning poker without it becoming a grind or a bore. 

My life for the past 2 years, and largely since I graduated High School has been a big compilation of curve-balls.  I am not regretful for any experience that I have had though, and really think they have shaped who I am today.  It is funny to me how the cycle of having a simple job(poker 2 years ago) that I could make damn near whatever money I wanted, $500 on a good day, $1200 on a great day...to now, where financial struggles are a part of my daily routine, is so different.  I sat at Barnes and Noble today, looking at a book that I really wanted, but not wanting to spend $19.95 on it.  I have money in my bank account, a decent bankroll again, and no bills dues for another month, but I really have developed a habit to just not buy anything. In a lot of peoples experiences with poker, they gained a desensitization of money, which I think was true for me in the beginning, but has proved to turn 180 degrees since.

After about a year off I'm back.  I figured posting on here would be good for me, and it will also keep me accountable.  I'll try to set goals every month and I'll post updates on my progress.

So this whole site was originally made for a buddy and I, who also plays full ring, to track our progress through the game.  Somewhere in the middle he kinda stopped blogging and never really had the time to start back up again but low and behold, he might be now. So if you see a random dude posting on my blog, don't worry, he belongs, and hes a pretty smart dude when it comes to poker so keep an eye out for him here.

So I think I may have underestimated the difference that changing the minimum buyin at FTP from 20bb to 35bb would make.  I knew it would be a big deal, but I didn't think it would make the games THIS much better.  Maybe it has just been dumb luck and I have been getting good tables but the past few days, early week games I might add that usually suck, have been great.  In November/December literally I would be 12 tabling and have almost all my table averages be hovering around 15% VPIP, maybe 19-21 if I was lucky.  This week, they have rarely dropped below 22-27%.  

Things are seemingly falling into place. Finally.  I just wrapped up my first week of Accounting classes and although im not sure of my future with this degree, for now it is the best thing for me while still job searching.  If I find a suitable job, I will bail on the second degree, if I dont find a suitable job, I get the degree and make more money in the future.  If I find a job in like 2 months, after wasting a ton of time studying accounting, well, at least I got some good extra knowledge of advanced accounting principles and ethics that I can take on into my career. So whatever happens, happens.

Just played a quick hour session of PLO and I really really love that game.  If it weren't for the crazy variance, I have seen graphs with people 70buyins below EV, id play. I might start reading up some more on it and really take it serious because as long as I play smart and combine it with my normal games and just pop in for wins it just fun for me.  Gives me the excitement to play again.

I just can't really seem to get in the mood to play poker.  I have been pretty busy getting all my school stuff organized and getting back into the groove of classes, and keep telling myself I want to play, but when I sit down to pull up some tables, I get the urge not to.  Over my couple years of playing full time I have learned the VERY hard way that if I am not in the mood to play, I really really shouldn't.  I used to tell myself that I NEED to play because I have the time, but literally playing when I am tired/wore down or just plain not in the right mindset, is a recipe for disaster.

This isn't a result of the past few days or anything because I haven't even really played, I think I am down like 2 buyins but its all pretty standard stuff and 1500 hands or something so nothing to worry about, but I am worried about some of my overall thinking lately.

I have been really charging up my mental focus the past few days while getting ready for 2010, and a big part of that for me is creating motivation.  A big way I create motivation is jealousy through others results.  It isn't jealousy in a negative way, just a "I could have done that well easily if I would have tried harder" mentality.

Obviously my big downfall in December was my inability to deal with the variance due to outside stresses and everything I mentioned in my last blog.  I took my losing/break even streak a little too much to heart.  I think that looking at your game when things arent going well is a healthy, natural part of a players development, but I think I may take it too far sometimes.  When I am on a downswing I look through every stat, every hand, and every session for hours on end, when in reality I need to just play through it and quit worrying about results.  I know I am a winner over well into 1 milion hands and I just need to trust I know what I am doing.

I guess the point is I have been looking at some end year graphs for big winning micro-FR players and there is one common factor in each persons year, a big downswing/break even stretch. Here are the first 3 graphs in the 2p2 thread, not ones I went and found bad stretches in, EVERYONE has one who plays volume:

Negative about $500 from hand 635k to 730k, almost 100k hands..



Breakeven from hand ~360k to ~500k, almost 140k of breakeven poker...



Breakeven from hand 670k to 845k, almost 175k breakeven!...



I understand that some of these players, maybe all, are 24 tablers on Poker Stars and that a lot of their winnings come from bonuses and such, compiled with a lower winrate adding to the size and frequency of these stretches, but my point is that my small little downswing lacks in comparison on all levels.

The other major thing I wanna point out is that after every bad stretch, these graphs all just continue their upward trend and carry on as if it never happened.  These are all competent, winning players at micros and it just reiterates to me to stay focused, keep playing well, and I WILL come out of it, its just a matter of playing my best and playing through it. 2010 could easily start off in one of these downswings for me, but all that is going to matter is HOW I deal with it.

Anyways, kinda random, but it makes me feel better about everything and will hopefully stay fresh in my mind as I grind through 2010.  If anyone reading is in a downswing too I hope you get something out of this as well, just keep going, it WILL turn around.

Excited for tommorrow,

Kevin